RICHMOND, VA - A Circuit Court ruling today has suspended several civil cases involving rubber testicle bumper decorations. The cases were put on hold pending legislation now before the Virginia General Assembly to outlaw the popular accessories. Litigants claim the testicles are distracting and pose a safety hazard.
"I dropped my cell phone into my coffee. You really don't expect to see those hanging from a bumper." said Peggy Upchurch, one of the involved plaintiffs, describing her encounter with the faux genitals. "I lost a sales call and ruined my favorite blouse."
Jennifer Fitzpatrick has a similar case. "I saw them out of the corner of my eye, and the next thing I knew my pantyhose were tangled up in the steering wheel." she said. "I lost control of my car and ran into a huge abutment. Those things are very lifelike."
At least one of the suits involves personal injury. "I had a pretty bad cut on my lip that took twelve stitches to close." said Jeff McCaulky, a postal worker who has been on disability since the incident. "I never dreamed a disposable razor could do that kind of damage."
Attorneys familiar with the ruling explain the passing of the new legislation would make manufacturers and distributors of the gaudy gonads liable as well. "Right now we're just going after the individuals who display these obscene objects." said Lyle Kimmins of Kimmins, Kimmins and Huff. "But with the proper laws on the books, we can target the real scumbags who are victimizing innocent drivers."
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